It’s Always Going To Rain

**If you are having negative thoughts or feelings for extended periods of time, and confused by them for any reason, there is no shame in asking for help. I know it feels easier to hide at times but don’t. There are resources online and likely in your life that you can connect with to help. I know depression pretty well, often hiding the depths of mine as well but you don’t have to. There is hope, even in a moment of hopelessness.

Sitting in one of my favorite taco places, listening to the sound of a storm, while eating a heaping pile of eggs. Trying to keep them from falling out of a smallish, cardboard bowl. Avocado, always, a must. In this moment, realizing how happy I feel, surrounded by the pouring rain.

Thankfully, this Winter in California has come with a lot of rain, cooler air which I love. When it comes without mudslides, even better. The rain, though not always the most fun to deal with, made me feel home, Cincinnati, all over me. It was a hug, I welcomed.

We (complete strangers) were all laughing, talking about the lightning and thunder. Never mind it was an absolute downpour, or drencher. If I had something other than a Cincinnaaateeee, accent, perhaps I could get away with saying, drencher. Downpour it is!

Days before, I was venting, writing for myself, about the aloneness at times of life. The self pity and self loathing were at a momentary high. I was “questioning my existence on the planet”, as my playful, at times, dark humor, tried to express to a friend.

This week, my sister and I were on the phone, talking about getting older and saying, “is it me or is this getting worse? one of us said, “I know?!” Both of us cracking one another up, per usual. She on one coast, I on another. This week, my sister and I were on the phone, talking about getting older and saying, “is it me or is this getting worse? one of us said, “I know?!” Both of us cracking one another up, per usual. She on one coast, I on another.

As I continued sitting there, waiting for my food, “This Girl Is On Fire” (Alicia Keys) was playing overhead. I have never grabbed onto this song before. I have heard it numerous times but nothing.

Anyone that has spent time with me, might chuckle, to picture me “vibing” with this song.

I wanted to stand up and just start dancing, lip syncing to the chorus. Pretending I was playing out a scene from a musical. I smiled, moving along with the music, ever so slightly. My skin, holding in this energy, excitement, bounding through me.

I soon noticed a girl, sitting alone, along the wall. A perpetual teenager, likely 20 something. Black and white converse, surely soaked from the 4 foot moats surrounding most sidewalks, blocking anyone from crossing. I figured she might be a student.

She was wearing slightly worn black jeans, green, army colored long sleeve, black baseball hat, with part of a pony tail pulled through. Her hair was hanging out from the sides of the hat. Perfectly, imperfect look.

Her thick, black, horn rimmed glasses, set on her simple nose. Her soft skin showing that its barely seen the sun.

Amongst the chaos and cold from the rain, and my feeling high from the aforementioned musical interlude. When I looked at her, I felt sad for her. No particular, conscious reason but a feeling.

About 10 mins into enjoying this part of my morning, I heard her call someone. “Hi, Chase. Can you come and help me? My car was broken into last night. Yeah, they broke my window?”

These taquerias are tiny. It is impossible not to hear, everything around you.

Now that I think about it, I think maybe this was her ex-boyfriend. She said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do, or who to call.” During the brief conversation, my heart just broke for her, in the ever still, long silences.

I wanted to offer her money, or something to help her out. Sneak a note in her bag, saying I hope today gets better. Sometimes I do intervene but I chose not to. I think it is difficult not to look at people and put yourself in their shoes, even if for a moment.

As she left, a big black garbage bag in hand, she seemed to have a bit of lift and purpose in her step. She didn’t seem to mind the rain as she navigated the road to her car.

We have all had moments like these. Yet when a stranger, smiles and says “how are you today?” “can I help?” or a new friend says “I might be able to help you out” when you ask if they know someone with an extra room for rent. These simple, not so simple gestures can mean the difference in someones day or life.

It is amazing how big some of the little things can feel. And how small we can make the big things. The big feelings. I heard someone say recently “Who wants to deal with all those feelings anyway?” I can’t imagine living like that anymore.

Just as the earth is round, (sticking by that;), all our lives are interconnecting circles. Spinning us in and out of one another’s lives, into new challenges, into new days and so on.

What I hope to (hope we) remember, is, it’s always going to rain.

We have to allow time, to do what it does and the sky to brighten back up because it always will. I have a number of posts started but something about this I wanted to share.

Thank you for reading, JM.

As with all catastrophic events, (Woosley Fire referenced above), there are people and animals that need our help. Takes years to recover from these events. Look around your community, and beyond. Maybe there is something you can do.

Song below, was written originally in the 90’s. It was called I’m Still Here and is on my Demos and The Other Side of Me, CD’s. I rewrote the song when my sisters best friend and close family friend was diagnosed with ALS, at 36. She passed away just over 4 years later on November 13, 2018.

She lived her life to find peace and harmony, after overcoming many challenges.

Still Here

Lonely road
Looking for a home
Thrown away beat up and used
Just a girl in blue
 
Found a way
Into our heart
Now there’s so much confusion
What else can we do then

I see her now that look in her eye
Have you seen another like me? 
If you ever wandered around the world you would find me
Like a unicorn, dancing through your dreams
I’m Still here, Oh, I’m Still Here

We forget
When the door is closed
So many people
Suffering alone

And Every day
Another gift taken away
Still fighting
Still fighting

Chorus 
Key Change
Chorus out