365 Days Single: Part 1

When I was first thinking about starting a blog, I thought the title would be, 365 Days Single. Focusing on the day to day of being single, my time in Long Beach, dating, dating women, which can be entertaining in and of itself, etc…

After ending my engagement, having it ended, being in a new city, I was determined, creatively on fire but in some moments, I was absolutely broken. I thought that writing could at times be a humorous outlet for some healing.

I could hear the sound of Amy Adams voice reading aloud, as she typed her blog in the film, Julie & Julia. My laptop keyboard was buzzing…

But when I began, I realized I had a lot more to say, then to only focus on being single and dating. I had to dig deep, figure out how to set my my passion projects in motion. To manifest all the exciting things, I had visualized over the years.

When I was 18, I read Anthony Storr’s book, Solitude, Alone with the Self. It resonated with me as it talked about (to my recollection) how we develop bonds as infants, children and how all of this creates in us the pathways for intimacy, love, acceptance of ourselves, which can allow room for healthy relationships.

Have you ever taken time, to be single? If so, how long? Is there such thing as too much time? Philosophically, spiritually, perhaps no, and every journey, has its traveler.

365 Days Single, popped in my head again after I received a response from a group text to my family. I shared with them, that the woman, I was dating, I mutually, yet unexpectedly, fell in love with, broke up with me, via text.

I share most things with my family, but it took me a month or more to tell them. Having shared my over the moon excitement, only to have it be over, before it really got a chance to take flight, was in a word, embarrassing.

As always, they were so understanding and without judgement. My mom sent me a text and it said, “I hate that you moved out there to be happy and shit blew up in your face. I think maybe you shouldn’t date for a few months. Can you do that?”

Already on it, I thought. I laughed so hard I cried. She is so insightful even when she isn’t trying. That simple, truthful text is what makes our family ours. I thought, gosh Mom, I so wanted you to meet her.

So, after being in an emotionally destructive, relationship, (unfortunately, it was not my first) allowing myself to date, finding an attracted kinship with someone, and having that break up…

365 Days Single, sounded fabulous…

I’ve been alone before, by choice, years at a time. However, I think evolving, into myself again, at this age, in this new place, on my own, felt different for a time.

Sure, I could date and add another person onto me, like adding another layer of paint to an old Victorian house. But why?

As the 1 year anniversary approached from moving out of my ex-fiance’s and my place, though things were bad, and broken long before. I felt so prepared to write about what I had experienced from my perspective but initially, staring at this screen, various drafts, I wasn’t getting anywhere.

Days went by and I typed words, strung some sentences together but I was not present.

I imagine this could have been in part due to my riding the waves, over this most recent loss. Perhaps more importantly what it stirred in me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t ready to feel for someone else after my engagement ended but I was not yet equipped to deal with another let go.

Two and a half months after I moved out, months after we had actually broken up, I felt a lot better. I thought I could go on some light hearted dates and so I setup an online profile. I made a few acquaintances, went on a couple of dates, but the majority, not for me, on many levels. I figured this was a win!

Then, I received a message from a woman. She thanked me for the way I expressed myself. She said “I really appreciate how close you are to your emotions and the way you express them. I don’t meet many people able to do so and it’s inspiring.”

As I read her first words, I felt instantly connected to them. The skies parted and angels sang, “Ahhhhh.” Everything was still. She was very dialed in with me for a time. I felt like I was talking to myself. Everyone that looked at our pictures said we had very similar energy. We almost looked alike.

We texted for days, shared countless hours on the phone, for weeks we were in conversation, texts, reading poetry to one another, sharing music, lovely dates, for the Spring and Summer, the start of Fall, laughing like we were children, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, in a way that was endearing.

And we both admitted, we had the best first dates of our lives (10 hours of walking, talking, eating, laughing) I think we were both surprised we found such a deep, mutual, serendipitous connection. We spoke of it often.

After hearing her say “I love you”, I looked and said “You do?” I wasn’t expecting that from her at all, at least not yet. I was very surprised. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” I asked. She said “yes.” I thought, Maybe this is finally happening. I had the courage to walk away from pure insanity, took a chance and met a refined beautiful, talented woman. It was like a dream come true.

For me, to see it shut down, in the manner it was, felt like a cold and cruel flash. On some level, I couldn’t help but feel as if I was irreparably damaged, it was all my fault.

Like all interpersonal relationships, I have found that deep connections, push every and any issue we have had or have to the surface in order to allow healing. This started happening.

However, neither of us were in a place to deal with that yet, on our own. I was internally tired at times. I had trouble navigating some of our interactions, her or myself. Our beautiful way of communicating became tangled up in personalizations and defensiveness from either one of us, when it really didn’t need to.

At one point she was thanking me for my demeanor, my humor, my ability to pull her forward when she retreated, to then criticizing me in a way that to me, at times, didn’t feel completely present tense.

After she ended it, I was walking from place to place, hearing her voice, seeing her face, feeling her presence. It felt like a ghost of her was chasing after me. It was in ways, a more devastating loss, then walking away from my fiance. The memories all be it a brief amount of time, felt like too much.

After months, I feel I am finally not personalizing, her path. Nor forcing mine. The thing is, I know that this person wouldn’t consciously hurt someone. She did what she needed to do at the time. It was definitely not the best way for me but none the less, I operate with an underlying faith, that everything, always works out as it should.

In the time, I have been writing this post, seemingly endlessly editing, I am surprised to report, we have reconnected as friends. Even going to a concert together and she said, “I don’t know if I have ever had more fun at a concert in my life.” I am so grateful for all of this and allowing my truth to lead me.

I will say that if she is meant to come back into my life, in whatever capacity, if we are ever of the same place energetically, healed, and inside of our own, individual Truth/Love, then she will return.

Until then, letting go of the potentiality, to allow space and time to do what it does, can feel like a punch in the gut. I do believe beautiful things and people await.

Perhaps I will need to write a 365 Days Single: Part Three 😉

I hope you will join me for 365 Days Single: Part Two, where I try to figure out how to tell my truth and maintain my self responsibility while getting in, staying in and walking away from abusive situations.

I hope you will share your stories, of love and survival in the comments below.

Up next, Part Two!

This Woman, May 20, 2018, Copyright, Jennifer McNutt Music; McNutt Publishing

Im on a path everything is coming through
and this woman now, too
what is she doing to me
I wanna see how she fits
Even with our separate lives,
temporary as that may be,
These words erupt from inside 
my tummy is tight
I’m not even trying
everything feels so alive
I haven’t slept in weeks
Your voice takes me to another time
Every superficial crush I’ve had
you surpass. you don’t know me
maybe I don’t know anything
there are many pictures
that are coming together pulling us,
pushing us towards
So much more waiting for us
Answers can be received
Visions realized
A girl, this woman
who respects our hearts,
hears our words, gets off on being kind
I don’t know if we have ever been gotten
Maybe we are really ready to be open.
Ive been looking for someone like you.
Maybe you have too
Goodness me, everyone says it
You look like me except your eyes are green
I think it must be our energy
I see it too
I want to kill the fear that comes through
Stands on my shoulder
feeds doubt, tell me its over
If I forget to tell you, you are exquisite I say
You don’t seem to turn away.
I have appreciated every hour, every minute
I will always be grateful for Cupid
My friend this woman

Disguises, September 17, 2019, Copyright, Jennifer McNutt Music; McNutt Publishing

What if when we said hello
All our right and wrongs
were allowed to unfold
before each of us,
washing over our feet passed all defenses

What if every yes and no
All the goodbyes and I know you
were enough to tell us everything we needed, and wanted
passed all the trying

Where did we come FROM
Tell me what you really think
Are we on different planets now
Our words like two magnets somehow
I don’t want to be a nightmare under your blanket
Tonight – no more hiding, no more surviving
What if we all weren’t all of our disguises  
Too many disguises / These disguises

What if I wrote you a song
Sang it for the world
and we belonged.
To the picture you painted of the stars
That night we fell in love

What if when it’s tough
We stay instead Of running to
the places we would climb
When we were growing up

~ Chorus ~