What I Learned From 365 Days Without A Cigarette

June 9th, 2019 marked 1 full year without cigarettes! *Update: October 9, 2021, 3 years 3 months.

Though I had quit before, for years at a time, this finally feels like a solid, “I’m done.

The real test was when I went home to Cincinnati for my 44th birthday, July of 2018. I am not sure what it is about Ohio, but as soon as I fly in, I want a cigarette. 🙂 I am proud I passed the test.

As some of you may know, the recent past has been a bit of a doozie. I, like so many of us, have been through, yet put myself through some tough times in my life. That being said, I feel I have lead a pretty charmed life.

I was 14 years old when I first smoked. It was the best (not really) and worst thing I could have ever done to my poor little lungs. It would become a crutch I would use for years. I loved smoking in a lot of ways.

I was somewhat of a closet smoker. I didn’t usually like to smoke a lot or to smell like smoke but if I was hurting, stressed, going out a lot, some of the years while I was smoking, I could finish a whole pack before I knew what hit me.

In 2015, I became reacquainted with a former girlfriend. There will be more about this in 365 Days Single, Part Two. We had broken up back in January of 2001. I had entered into a time of no drinking, learning more about what it was like to live sober. (“100% clarity” per a mentor at that time)

I don’t believe you have to be an alcoholic to reap the benefits of being sober. She wasn’t ready for that lifestyle change and had her own journey to go on, so we parted ways.

When we reconnected in 2015, it wasn’t immediately apparent to either of us, we would even want to date. Something changed and our focus shifted to one another and we entered into a whirlwind.

I was so excited but looking back, I think my excitement was actually mostly fear that I was squashing down. The reason I bring this up, I remember feeling this intense manic feeling. I kept wondering why I was smoking. It should have been a sign to STOP everything but I continued forward.

There were things in me, healing I had intended to do over the next number of years, when I intended to be on my own for at least 5 years.

A dear friend and mentor, Mona Miller (RIP) used to say, “We are all addicts.” This wasn’t a judgment. She spoke in these absolute ways about herself and to help her coaching clients, get out of their own way. More on her in another post.

I don’t think it is necessarily that every person sitting next to you on the bus, subway, across from you at lunch is on drugs, alcohol, etc., its that most of us have some sort of way to cope, a vice or two.

One of the things I have learned after getting in and out of relationships with in my opinion, with active addicts/alcoholics, is that although they were the bull in the china shop, I was attracting them because I have had my own ways of suppressing with something outside of myself, to disconnect.

Sometimes it doesn’t have to be a substance at all. I quite appropriately was reminded just last night, of my need to give advice. As someone close to me communicated with me about how this made her feel, I became hot, sweaty, overwhelmed because it was ringing true. I knew she was right and I have been working on this so I was really bummed but so glad because I think it brought us closer together.

She said “That it seemed like a way for you to be distant.” She was right.

I have been aware of this compulsion to help, and why I made a great Project Manager but that is just not always needed or wanted. It can be terribly annoying for others and wastes my energy. More on this in another post.

I appreciate that I have been able to see myself as a smoker and what that looked like. I can see that every inhale was perhaps muffling something or a way to relax. That the action, symptom of smoking involved so much more within me.

I love that as I have peeled so many layers away, I am getting closer to the person I have always wanted to be.

I still have ways that I display addictive habits. Eating the wrong foods, binge watching shows when I need to get work done, whatever it might be, it is a process. I have made huge strides and I won’t give up.

I look forward to continuing this journey, while staying smoke free.