The Night He Died and Saved My Life – Part One (of Three)

One might think some of the circumstances in this story, can’t be true or some part was just a coincidence. It does in fact feel like a dream, at times a bad dream but everything written here, is true and to the best of my ability to remember the facts. And though tragic, it is a time from my life, I am grateful and have appreciation now for, the lessons learned from life and in death.

It had been sometime since I saw Aaron Jay Ziller. His name perhaps as unique as he was. He had an unmistakeable, Richard Gere, swagger. His tall, thin frame, stood out wherever he was. He often wore light jeans with a dark, sides cut out of it, t-shirt, and small fitted leather jacket. His long, mostly blonde, stylish for the time, rock and roll hair, always hanging just beyond the shoulders.

I met Aaron when I was about 18. Aaron was best friends with my best friend, Shaes’ brother. They played in a band together. An ever revolving group of us, would go see them play around Cincinnati and other parts of Ohio. I would be some part of their motley-crue, off and on for the next 5 years.

Aaron and I would see each other from time to time outside of the group and we always had fun; playing music, listening to music, etc.. He was the reason, I first heard Disarm, by the Smashing Pumpkins. I cared for him, was highly infatuated but I knew he had girls around, so I always tried my best to play it cool. Incidentally, he’s also the first person I came out to. More on that in another post.

While writing this, I remember a night prior to the months discussed below, when, a bunch of us went out on Shaes Dad’s boat. There may have been one other boat with us because I remember there being quite a number of people.

Eventually, we found our way to a bank on the Ohio River and hung out for a while. As you made your way onto land you were immediately greeted by a very steep hill. It might have doubled as the downhill portion of an olympic ski jump, were it not trapped in the vast mid west.

While making your way up the hill, you had to hold onto one of many, small trees or you were a goner. Some people were swinging on a rope into the water. I chose to stay dry, well, until I didn’t have a choice.

At one point, this guy Ron, was messing around. He called me a silly name, bat witch or something. I think we had all been talking about Batman. I looked at him, playing along but pretending to be serious and said, “you really shouldn’t say such things” Someone nearby said, “yeah, don’t mess with Jennifer Ron.” As if I would or could kick his butt. Then, doubtful. Now, I like my chances :).

It was the strangest thing but I looked at him, pretending to will him into the water and in the next beat, he slips and falls, flying down the hill, some 30 feet, and into the water. We were all cracking up but the timing of it was a bit unsettling to say the least.

When we were finally making our way home. It was pouring rain, late, and we were covered up in jackets and tarps, trying not to get pelted by the rain. There really isn’t a worse place to be, while it is thundering and lightning, then on a boat, a small, speed boat at that. It was one of those nights where you couldn’t really laugh about it at the time. We were all thankful when it was over. I never went out on the boat again with them.

October of 1997, Aaron and I were both invited to our mutual friends, Dads birthday party. I had stopped going out for a year and a half, disappeared as I tend to do at times. I had been working out, eating more mindfully. I looked quite a bit different.

I must admit, it was always a bit of a show stopping moment whenever he walked into a room. He often took my breathe away. That night was no different. We danced to It’s Wonderful Tonight, and had the best time, while hanging out, in a smoky bar on the ‘East Side’ of Cincinnati, Ohio.

We talked, laughed, in a way that felt as if it was on a much deeper level. We were together in a way that didn’t feel as distant for me as it once had. I got to see him a couple more times in the weeks following that east side connection.

One of those nights, Aaron was having people over. He lived over a music store on the far east side of town, otherwise known as the ‘boonies’. When I arrived, there were a few people in the kitchen and living room. The apartment was rather large and the living room, consisted of a smattering of furniture, rock and roll posters, guys stuff.

I will say for a dudes apartment, it was nice. Recalling it now though, there were no bright colors anywhere. Like a monochromatic dream, everything seems now to have been various shades of gray, even the walls.

After getting a drink, Aaron and I sat down in the living room. He asked me to play my songs and encouraged other people to sit around and listen to me. He pulled out another guitar and accompanied me.

I have largely, been an unwilling, natural performer, my entire life, so it wasn’t always easy for me to share that part of myself but he saw me. I can’t tell you how many times I watched them perform or practice, so this was quite a treat.

He told me that my songs were very good and that I should move to LA. He really liked “James Dean”. I never told him, but he inspired it and a lot of those first songs. (Be Yourself, Waiting For You, No Good To Shout, and more)

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He was planning to move to Venice or Santa Monica, CA, that following year, I believe. He would have done well out here and had a great career. (It turns out, in August of 2000, I met a woman, in Cincinnati, from CA, who would change the course of my life forever. Not only did I move to LA because she offered me a job. I answered a Craigslist Ad, and my CD, The Other Side Of Me, was placed into the library at Nickelodeon. I am now in my 10th year of receiving royalties from this. More on that in another post)

At one point after smoking a bit of pot, I believe laced with cocaine. Aaron said in a hushed tone and in the most non offensive way, “Jenn, what are you doing? You aren’t like these other girls.” “Yeah, I know.” I said. I wasn’t someone who normally did drugs, at all. In high school, I proudly wore, my nerdy, ‘100% Drug Free Body’, Tee.

As I said, I was involved with all of them for almost 5 years, and thankful, this part of the lifestyle I let go of after 6 months. I’m grateful it’s been that way for the majority of my life.

What was odd about this to me was we had all partied together before. The number of times weeks prior to and years before drinking, occasionally smoking pot. It was very much out of character for him to be attentive in that way and to ask me that question. I still do not fully understand the change in him. It was significant the last few times I saw him.

A number of us left Aaron’s and went to a house near downtown. Some of the places this part of my journey took us to in Cincinnati, could definitely be set in a Quentin Tarantino film. This place was no different.

Once inside, I found my way to a leather covered, wooden bench and parked myself on it. As I sat there, feeling very ill, in some sort of haze. I saw Aaron in front of me, to my right and he was talking to a guy about martial arts. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t heard it and saw it myself but he was doing a form, blocking system, I now know. He was discussing fighting and specifically defending himself against someone with a knife. I thought it interesting, he was so enthusiastic but the moment passed until it came back smacking me in the face.

It was nearing dawn and I had to be at work at 8am. A small group of us including Aaron, rode with me in my car, to drop me off at work, so they could all use my car to go home. Aaron sat in the front passenger seat. He and I chatted the whole time, talking about going out that next week, or weekend.

I stepped out of the vehicle, telling myself that I was going to get through the next 8 hours. I can’t remember for sure but I want to say I kissed him goodbye. His perfect face, with that perfect stubble, smiling at me.

I got into work and something was very wrong. I was in a good deal of pain. I was on the floor in the bathroom, between customers coming in. Thinking back, it must have been a really slow Saturday.

I called Aaron and was shocked that he answered. We talked for 45 minutes. This rarely happened. There wasn’t any relationship to save. We were just two people, musicians, friends and occasional lovers when we weren’t committed elsewhere.

I was able to tell him what was going on the last couple of months and he didn’t judge, he just reinforced everything he had said the night before. I told him about a friend I had been with and he asked why I felt like I needed to do that and I said, “excuse me, you sleep with every girl that walks your way.” He laughed. I think he told me to call the ‘ask a nurse’ in cincinnati.

I can almost hear his voice now as we were hanging up, both of us saying, get some rest, feel better and we would see one another soon…

Besides the fact, that I was clearly making some questionable choices, nothing could have prepared me, or any of us for the events of the following weekend. Due to the length of this post, I split it up into three Blog Posts.

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James Dean, 1992 – Blues/Rock/Country

Don’t plead don’t beg
I’ll push you away
Save it for another stray
Don’t lie don’t cheat
I thought you were neat

Lets say your no James Dean
Lets say your no James Dean
Lets say your no James Dean
Lets say your no James Dean

Well, rules were meant to be broken
Go take your pretty tokens
Play those games by yourself
Save that shit for someone else

I’ve loved, I’ve lost, ring my bell
I don’t really need this hell
Don’t lie, don’t cheat
I thought you were neat.

Lets say your no James Dean
Lets say your no James Dean
Lets say your no James Dean
Lets say your no James Dean

Music Break

A man, who has no shame
Like a dog without a name
Comes scratching on my back door
Always wanting a little more

Don’t try to ring my phone
Cuz baby, I’m not alone
Don’t plead, don’t beg
I’ll push you away

Save it for another stray
Don’t lie, don’t cheat
I thought you were neat

Lets say your no James Dean
Lets say your no James Dean
Lets say your no James Dean
Lets say your no James Dean

Jennifer McNutt, owns copyright
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