Past and Present Collide

New Years Day 2019

I decided go for a run in Long Beach today, break in my new NIKE’s. I walked briefly to start. Stopping the first three, 5 min milestones to stretch and ease into the long run. Currently, for me, anything over 5 miles is a long run.

This has me thinking. I haven’t bought a brand new pair of shoes, let alone actual running shoes, in years, if ever. I bought many used pairs of shoes from one of my clients who owned a shoe store, before that, my Mom would give me her barely worn, bright white gym shoes.

As I was running, I had a vision from a story I saw online recently. Perhaps you saw it too. It was a black and white video, of a dog being abandoned on a street corner.

It seemed late. Likely would have been pitch black if it weren’t for the surrounding street lights. A figure gets out of a vehicle carrying a dog bed, leading the unsuspecting dog across the street. Only a leash connecting them.

He unleashes the dog and after a few seconds, the dog runs off momentarily. This figure, said to be a man, throws the dog bed and runs back to the car. The dog, darts back towards the back of the vehicle, trying to get in.

Perhaps confused, or thinking it’s some sort of play. The brilliantly white pup goes around the vehicle, putting its paws on the window. Trying this from both sides. He darts off again for a moment, away from the car, the driver, taking a chance, pulls away, the dog can be seen chasing after the car.

Someone cared enough to leave him with his bed, but not enough to stay. This video and the still of the dog looking through the windows of the car, caused thousands of people from all over the world, to offer to take the pup in. 

Thankfully, the dog was found, in his bed, where he was left. He is safe and being cared for by a rescue group, in the UK.

It took me weeks to watch this video, certain things, I just can’t see or unsee for that matter. Frankly, I have watched worse things but something about certain images, just hurt.

Continuing on my run, I unexpectedly felt struck when the vision came back around to me.

I was suddenly transported back to the day my mother left. I was 3 years old, my brother Chris was almost 7. Though its not a conscious memory, maybe because I was only 3, or I have blocked it all out. But, I kept seeing everything as if it were a memory. I felt out of breathe. I felt an unexpected void inside, panic.

I can only imagine, as it may or may not have played out because I didn’t know what my birth mother looked like until I was 12 years old. As I said, I was just 3. She left a month after my 3rd birthday…

I wondered, was she running around packing and hugged me goodbye. What was she thinking? Was she scared? Was she happy? What was she feeling? What was my brother doing? What was my other brother and sister doing? 

I don’t know if I had ever thought about this before. To think about what she felt in that moment, never occurred to me.

As these thoughts and images ping ponged in my mind, I audibly gasped. I felt as if my eyes were seeing through virtual reality goggles.

I ran, faster and faster, as if I was suddenly not tired. The sidewalk pavers, now a blur as I passed, one after the other. I thought about stopping but it was really difficult to get going today and I was nearing 5 miles.

I kept running, feeling my body change. The pain and tension I often feel in my legs, moved. It felt as if the thoughts were leaking out of my mind, out of my eyes, into me like a chemical reactor, spoiling its surrounding environment.

At a certain point, I slowed, smiled, feeling fortunate to be closer to a realization, another moment of clarity, peace. Knowing my work is paying off. Another ring in the tree perhaps.

I have been triggered before but never while running. I honestly couldn’t believe what was happening. This went on for 10 -15 minutes. Running through what I imagine a panic attack might feel like.

I didn’t want the moment to end. I was fighting to stay in it and explore this feeling, these visions.

Have you ever had a flying dream? I felt like what I would feel like when I was in one and I didn’t want to wake up. As if I was getting continually lower to the ground. I used to push off the ground, while fighting to go back into a deep sleep. A game my subconscious and I would play for years.

I finished my run, almost five and a half miles. I walked the rest of the way back home, and started writing.

Recently, I have again, taken on the task to rid myself of anything holding me back from achieving my dreams, achieving success while working or working on the things in life that give me energy. (Thank you Mel Robbins, passion is what gives you energy)

I wonder, why is it, so many of us, think we have done all the work we need to do, when we haven’t. I know I have needed the reminder, more times than I care to admit right now. Sometimes it is not enough to simply move forward.

In a moment, we can get caught, knocked over with a sound, a scent, a look, a touch and that secret place where all our memories go, the little keepsake box, we keep them locked in, sometimes it opens up and they fall out. Sometimes, we fall and we pick it all up, piece by piece and we start again. ~ Thank you for reading, JM

Song below written sometime in the 90’s

Mommy, Demos Published, 2001, Copyright, 2001 Jennifer McNutt Music

Mommy have you seen me lately
I’m feeling a little dirty
My feet are tired and worn
Mommy have you seen your baby

Mommy have you touched me lately
I’m feeling a little lonely
My hands are scarred from falling
Mommy won’t you keep from hitting ground
And I’m hitting the ground

So, where are you.
Are you still the same
I mailed my letters to you
They came back, came back yesterday

Mommy can you hear me
I’m feeling a little tired
My head hurts from drinking
Mommy stop your fighting
And I’ve falling down, I’m falling down
I’m falling down, I’m falling down

So, where are you.
Are you still the same
I mailed my letters to you
They came back, came back yesterday

Mommy can you tell me clearly
I’m feeling a little angry
My heart is pounding
And Mommy I haven’t seen you lately
I’ve falling down, I’ve falling down
I’m falling down again, I’m falling down

So, where are you.
Are you still the same
I mailed my letters to you
They came back, came back yesterday
You never came back, you never came back